The Jerk’s Guide to Social Destruction: 21 Etiquette Rules for a Miserable Life

Photo by Mike Kilcoyne on Unsplash

Are you tired of being the polite one, the one who always follows the rules, when it seems like nobody else cares? Ever wondered what it would be like to just let go, to be a complete jerk? Well, it’s not as easy as it looks. Being a jerk takes a special kind of dedication to rudeness and a complete disregard for social norms. It’s a commitment to making other people’s lives miserable, all while reveling in your own awfulness. So, if you’re ready to ditch your good manners and embrace your inner jerk, buckle up, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Jerks are absolutely convinced that good manners are for suckers and the key to a miserable life. Here are 21 "etiquette" rules they swear by to make sure they’re the most obnoxious person in the room:

1. Jerks always call people repeatedly until they answer, even if it’s 3 AM. Why should their sleep be more important than the jerk’s boredom?
2. Jerks never return borrowed items. Finders keepers, losers weepers, right?
3. When someone is kind enough to treat a jerk to a meal, they always order the most expensive thing on the menu. Why settle for a salad when you can have lobster?
4. Jerks love asking intrusive personal questions. It’s their favorite way to make people uncomfortable. "Still single? No kids? Why not?"
5. Jerks never hold the door for anyone. It’s every man for himself in this world.
6. If someone pays for a shared expense, a jerk never offers to pay next time. It’s their loss, not the jerk’s.
7. Jerks always interrupt people when they’re talking. Who cares what they have to say? A jerk’s opinion is obviously more important.
8. Jerks never say "thank you." Why should they show gratitude when people are just doing their jobs?
9. Jerks love criticizing people in public. It’s a great way to boost their own ego and make them feel terrible.
10. If someone tells a jerk they have a medical appointment, they immediately ask for all the details. It’s none of their business, but it’s fun to pry.
11. Jerks always treat service workers like they’re beneath them. They’re lucky to have a job at all.
12. Jerks never put their phone away when they’re talking to someone. Why should they have their full attention?
13. Jerks love giving unsolicited advice, even if it’s completely wrong. People should be grateful for a jerk’s wisdom.
14. When jerks reconnect with someone after a long time, they always ask about their age and salary. It’s a great way to make them feel insecure.
15. Jerks love to gossip and spread rumors. It’s so much fun to watch drama unfold.
16. Jerks never make eye contact when they’re talking to someone. It’s too intimate and they don’t want to connect with anyone on that level.
17. Jerks are always late. Their time is more valuable than anyone else’s.
18. Jerks never apologize for anything, even if they’re clearly in the wrong. It’s a sign of weakness.
19. Jerks love commenting on people’s weight. It’s their way of "helping" them.
20. When someone shows a jerk a photo on their phone, they immediately start swiping. It’s hilarious to see their reaction.
21. Jerks never respond to messages or emails. If it’s important, they’ll find another way to reach them.

By following these 21 "etiquette" rules, you’re guaranteed to be the most hated person in the room. But hey, who needs friends when you can be a jerk?